What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:46
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I said to her
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is soul school!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
I have no regrets .
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I think the readers, may guess!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He knew the spot.
But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I don,t even have a pension.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So whats the point in blame.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She found it foreign!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It was going to be , some day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.